"Yo girl, let me smell dem feet though."

Through my promotions work over the years, and most recently through my work with NRO, I've met lots and lots of people in this fine city of Rochester NY.  Some pretty cool, most pretty useless, but all VERY interesting.  Through conversations I've had with these people, patterns start to emerge.  Most want to move out, most get excited over ridiculously small things (like a film crew shooting cars driving down the street for a Spider Man movie), and most hate the city they claim to be stuck in.  But there's also something else; something that gives me pause and occasionally disgusts me:

People in this town have some weird ass sexual fetishes.

Now I'm all for a little kinkiness.  Lord knows I have some preferences of my own.  Mine aren't that crazy though.  Like I love legs.  They're the first thing I look at on a girl.  I know its totally unheard of to be a guy and not be totally fixated on breasts, but that's just my programming I guess.  Give me a girl in a sexy dress and tights over a girl with massive breasts and I'll be happy.  I'm also game for some dress up shit.  Like a girl dresses up like Wonder Woman and I have to go save her, which inevitably leads to some hot ass sex.  This is on my bucket list by the way ladies.  Keep it in mind.  But I see this stuff as tame compared to being obsessed with feet.

That picture is just straight up gnarly.  There's nothing I dislike more than feet.  They look weird, they usually smell weird.  No matter how hot a girl is, her feet will be regarded by me with disgust.  But around these parts, almost every guy I know has a foot fetish.  I've had ex girlfriends that have told me that dudes regularly hit them up on Facebook about how beautiful their feet are.  I've also had girl bartenders tell me that dudes will pay them a couple hundred bucks for their socks after their shift.  I just.......cant..... I mean, licking a foot to me is the equivalent of licking a vagina that is covered in scabs and crabs.  Hmmm.  Scabs and Crabs.  New seafood restaurant?

Then there's the ball busters:

I like my nuts.  Having a girl do anything other than show them tender love and care would be unacceptable to me.  But yet, literal ball busting is a big thing around here.  In fact, some of the hottest girls in town have filmed fetish videos where they're stomping on a dudes nuts or crushing things with their feet.  Think of the biggest thing on this planet that would deflate your penis at the drop of a hat, then multiply that by 10,000,000,000,000 and you'll know how I feel about this.

Then there's the whole leather/domination deal:

I like a little bondage as much as the next guy.  After all, when I bust in heroically to save Wonder Woman she's gonna be tied up.  But I don't like getting my ass kicked by a woman.  There was this one time, actually sorta recently, where I was in bed with a girl that wanted to tie me to the bed posts while we did it.  I was actually really cool with that idea, until she randomly shoved a ball gag in my mouth and started hitting me with this small whip-like thingy.  Honestly, I was game for the first 3 minutes.  Then I started getting welts.  And then I seriously regretted when I was insisting she take that one last shot of Jamo at the club.

Long story short?  I love this city.  But it's a little bit weird.  And I bet at least one person reading this post will masturbate to one of these pics.  Just don't get your keyboard all sticky bro.  It'll mess up the keys.

That Halloween Shit I Do Like

So hey, Summers almost over.  To say I'm excited would be an understatement.  I like Summer for the first two weeks, then I realize I'm covered in humid man sweat and say fuck it.  It's time for that season where your nipples decide to come out and remind you they exist: FALL bitches.

Fall is cool for multiple reasons.  Football is definitely one of them, although I'm more of a casual football watcher than an obsessive.  Apple flavored everything is another.  But then I see apple flavored edible condoms and get freaked out.  Candy corn?  Douchebag high school jerkoffs back in school?  Pumpkin patches?  Haunted houses?  All positives.  But I'm not here to talk about that fluffy shit.  I'm hear to talk about hot ass girls in slutty Halloween costumes.

I'm pretty much obsessed with Halloween for this sole reason.  It's that magical night of the year where that sweet, introverted girl you know decides to run around town looking like something from Lyell Avenue.  I love it.  There should be bi-monthly Halloweens.  Hell, bi-weekly Halloweens.  I can't get enough.  But I also don't like when girls pull out the same generic shit: naughty nurse, schoolgirl, cop, etc.  Have a little imagination.

Allow me to present the three Halloween costumes I love on a girl.  Granted, they're not the most original, but if done correctly they're hot as hell and more eye catching than something you'll find at that useless Spirit Halloween store or Party City on October 31st at 5pm.

HOOTERS GIRL

Anyone who knows me knows I love Hooters.  The day that place closed in Henrietta was a dark day for all mankind.  I refer to it as The Reckoning.  But every once in awhile on Halloween, I'll see a girl or two attempting to bring back the magic.  But usually it's a fat girl that thinks her boobs are actually attractive when in fact they're the equivalent of hanging Play Dough on a hook.  We need you hotties to bring this shizz back.  Shockingly,  I'm not even a boob guy.  I like legs and ass.  And just look at those legs on those Hooters chicks in that pic above.  Do it.

WONDER WOMAN

Anyone who knows me also knows I'm a nerd.  So naturally, I love every female superhero.  But Wonder Woman takes the cake.  I remember reading a Justice League comic when I was a kid.  The moment I saw Wonder Woman for the first time I fell in love her.  I also got my first boner, which is odd I guess, but hey don't judge.  So I'm pretty attached to her.  And if you can manage to get a version of the costume that isn't cheap as hell, then you'd have my boner-filled vote.

PLAYBOY BUNNY

I hate when girls go out on Halloween with a pair of bunny ears on and a skirt and claim they're Playboy Bunnies.  You're not.  You're just lazy.  This pic up above is a Playboy Bunny outfit.  And its amazing.  And I want one of those girls for myself.  To produce children with.  Possibly marry.  She has to wear the outfit 24/7 though, that's the deal.  Hubbah Hubbah.

Now let me give you a preview of what I have in store for Halloween:

Watch out Ben Affleck.  I'm coming for your ass......

These Movies Will Be The Shit: Fall 2013 Edition

In honor of our upcoming Electric Cinema event at Montage on September 7th, I've decided to present to you dear blog readers my top 5 movies to check out this Fall.  Fall might be for football and girls dressed up in sexy ass Halloween costumes, but there's also usually a handful of movies worth seeing.  Lets take an unconventional look at what's on tap:

5. RIDDICK

So honestly I haven't been too hot on the whole Riddick franchise.  I haven't even seen Pitch Black and Chronicles of Riddick was just a little too much ridiculousness for my tastes.  But this one looks pretty damn badass, and if there's anything Fall movies desperately need, its some badassery.  Never mind the fact that when Vin Diesel speaks it sounds like someone just put two fingers in the vagina of the girl from The Grudge.

Release date: September 6th

4. ESCAPE PLAN

Granted this will probably be really shitty, but its that shitty kind of movie that ends up being enjoyable.  Stallone + Schwarzenegger = one hard Mike Agostinelli Italian sausage.  And they even threw a token black dude in there to make sure nobody accuses them of being racist.  Too bad its 50 Cent.

Release Date: October 18th

3. THE WOLF OF WALL STREET

Leonardo DiCaprio acting like a totally self centered douchebag.  I'm in.  Take this movie as a representation of how I would act if I happened upon a billion dollars.  It's only a cherry on top that Scorcese is directing it.  And who the hell is that stunning blonde girl in this trailer because I want to be on top of that ASAP.  Or at least on top of some pics of her.  Yeah, that's more accurate.

Release Date: November 15th

2, DON JON

 

It's rare that you watch a trailer and know you're going to instantly love a movie.  This was one of those cases.  Besides the whole obsession with porn aspect, this movie looks incredibly relatable to me.  Constantly hounded by my overly Italian family about not having a girlfriend is almost a weekly thing for me on Sundays.  And Mondays.  And Tuesdays.  Plus this movie manages to make Scarlett Johansson's fish face look strikingly beautiful, so that's always a plus.

Release date: September 27th

1. THOR: THE DARK WORLD

Now really, with the shit I post, was number one really going to be anything else?  I must say though, Thor is probably my least favorite Marvel character.  And this sequel is the Marvel movie I'm least looking forward to.  But it's a goddamn Marvel movie.  And none of these Avengers films have been anything short of enjoyable.  If you don't think so then you're simply being way too damn picky.

Release date: November 8th

Well, there you have it.  The five cinematic reasons for you to get off your ass and head to the movie theater this Fall.  And not that douchey one in Webster with the ridiculous seats.  Don't get me started on that shit.  That movie theater is the equivalent of putting chocolate syrup on a dismembered penis and calling it a fine desert.  Go to Tinseltown instead.  Anyplace with a Starbucks AND ice cream shop inside beats a non-stadium seating movie theater with recliners and a shitty sound system any day.   And yes, I just mentioned a dismembered penis two sentences ago.

Sex In The ROC City

I think I might have bitten off more than I can chew with this one...

Time for a blog post about the current state of the single life in Rochester NY.  I think I'm somewhat of a knowledgeable observer when it comes to this, seeing as we at NRO are knee-deep in 18-30 year old single people multiple times a week.  Plus all of us in NRO are single.  Kinda.  Sorta.  Maybe.

There are two types of girls in this city.  First, there's the sexy but highly intelligent mid-twenties girls that go out occasionally on WEEKENDS (cuz God forbid they check us out on Tuesdays).  They get all classy dressed and done up, with those heels and skirts, sipping cocktails at the bar and maybe doing a little tasteful dancing with their friends.  They have nice, respectable jobs and pretty solid little apartments or houses on Park Ave.  And you're straight up not banging these girls the first night you meet them.  Shockingly, these are the types of girls I'm attracted to.  Maybe it's me being 25 now or the fact I'm terrified of STD's, but I lean more towards these ladies now.

Then there's the sloppy ass whores:

They're bitchy, whiney, immature, mopey, and every Facebook status they put up is either some veiled complaint about their ex or about how they want to move out of Rochester so their life becomes "complete."  But then I see them back in town and bartending months later.  These are the girls that will spread their legs for anyone that puts a couple shots in their system, and that pretty much expect a dick in their socket by 3 AM at the latest.  I know some people enjoy this type; lord knows I used to.  If you witnessed my antics at Scene a couple years ago, I apologize.

Don't get me wrong: I love sex.  Any human being with a penis that tells you differently is straight up lying.  Dudes are genetically coded to want to bang everything in sight, every five minutes, in usually perverse ways.  It's our curse ladies.  But as I get older I find anticipation to be much more satisfying than instant vagina all up in my greasy Italian face.  I like my movie trailers before my movies, my salad before my dinner, etc.  Plus a staggering amount of people in this city have STD's, male and female.  Trust me: a HUGE amount.  It's like some secret underground club where they all fuck and rub lotion on each others crusty, scabby warts.

That being said, I reserve my right to break all my no-more-one-night-stand rules if I meet someone on the hotness level of Megan Fox.  I mean look at this chick:

Now look at her in highly photoshopped superhero outfits:

You're welcome.

That Dudes Way Too Old To Be Batman

For as long as I can remember, I've been obsessed with Batman.  Sometime soon I'm gonna make a blog post about exactly WHY, but for now just accept that I know wayyyyyyyyyy more about Batman than you probably do.  Like an odd, borderline creepy amount.  I attempt to hide this massive layer of nerd in my body behind many other layers of charming douchebaggery.  So with that out of the way, let me begin.

Some of you may have heard that Man Of Steel 2 is going to have Batman in it.  It's coming out in Summer 2015.  And when I first heard this news, I literally almost shit myself.  On my bucket list of things I have to see before I die, a Batman/Superman movie is right near the top.  So you can imagine how excited I am about this.  But then I started to hear who they're thinking about casting to play Bruce Wayne/Batman, and now I'm a little nervous.  I'm going to list the top contenders being considered here, and then post who I think should play the part.

Disclaimer: You're about to see some dude pics.  Ladies, don't get too wet.  Guys, be comfortable in your sexuality.  Oh, and if you're thinking: "this is some straight up nerdy garbage" then fuck you.  They can't all be about club shit.

1. Josh Brolin

I mean this dudes just way too old.  Granted, in this movie Batman is apparently going to be well into his career; somewhere in his mid to late 30's.  But lets not forget they plan to make a Justice League movie after this, and this dude isn't getting any younger.  Imagine him making out with the 22 year old model they'll likely cast as Wonder Woman.  Just...creepy.  This guy played George Bush in a movie.

VOTE: Eh....no.

2. Ryan Gosling

This I could accept if I had to.  But there's still the femmy factor.  By that I mean he's just a tad too...dainty.  I think he could turn up the badassness if he had to, but his body of work so far leans a bit toward pussy territory.  Dude was in The Notebook.  Might be a cool way to give your girlfriend unrealistic expectations of men, but not my idea of a great time at the movies.  But he was also in Drive.  And Crazy Stupid Love.  I like that movie.  JUDGE ME BRO.

VOTE: ......possibly

3. Joe Manganiello

This dude would be a solid choice.  He doesn't look too old, but he also doesn't look that young.  If they want to push the older Batman thing, then this would be a good pick.  Plus he was in Magic Mike, so that whole wet vagina factor will bring the ladies in.

VOTE: I suppose

MY PICK

If this whole thing were totally up to me, and I didn't have to pick from what was being considered, I'd go with this dude:

LIAM HEMSWORTH

Dude's brother already plays Thor, so there's obviously superhero blood in the family.  He's a decent enough actor to pull it off, young enough to not have a cane in Justice League, and he's got a good mouth for the mask.  Sounds weird, but that's a key component.  I always thought Christian Bale's face looked weird as fuck in the mask.  Look back at the Nolan Batman movies and you'll see what I mean.  Hemsworth baby.  Hemsworth.

Park Ave Douchefest

It's that time of the summer where you either get really emotionally and border line sexually excited to walk up and down Park Ave, or you just straight up don't give a shit.

Me?  I fall somewhere in between.  Yesterday I checked out the Park Ave Fest with the NRO boys, and I couldn't help but notice certain trends that kept repeating themselves.  Lets list them out:

1. Generally repetitive as all hell.

The above picture speaks for itself.  Here's the Park Ave Fest layout: art stand that nobody goes to, food stand, food stand, food stand, bar, art stand that nobody goes to, food stand, food stand, bar, etc.  Granted, older people enjoy art, and I saw a couple families checking out some art stands, but in my experience they're generally ignored.  If you're reading this blog you know you go to the fest to get all sorts of fucked up.  You're not there to ponder the intricacies of local art over a fine glass of bubbly.

2. Shirtless bags of douche

"Bro, lets take off our shirts with all our bros and play pong on our lawn.  Chicks dig that shit."  I assume those two sentences were said about 123 times yesterday.  I understand houses along the fest want to throw parties during it.  That's cool and it makes sense.  But going shirtless on a sorta-nippy day while you're surrounded by a bunch of other shirtless dudes with zero vagina in sight sends me a totally different message than what you think you're sending.

3. Lots and lots of hot girls

I want a job at the factory that churns out all these hot girls for the Park Ave Fest which then imprisons them come Monday and keeps them locked up till next years one.  Where are you girls coming from?  Cuz I barely see any of you on weekends.  You should go out a bit more; maybe check out one of our weekend nights at One instead of locking yourselves in your houses all year and deciding to emerge on this "magical" weekend in August.  I insist we won't bite.  Although judging by the amount of eye-raping that was coming from sexually frustrated husbands yesterday, I wouldn't blame you if you thought we did.  Oh, and that girl that was the greeter at Jines: I love you and you are beautiful and I don't have STD's, which is rare in this town. My number is 690-0033.  Call me.

But hey, I can't hate too much.  It ended up being a fun time all and all, just with some small little exceptions.  Then after the fest, we highly intoxicated NRO nightlife commandos checked out this new movie 2 Guns:

It was pretty badass.  I'll post a quick review later.  Short version: I liked it, with a few little exceptions.

"Mike, You Only Do This For The Vagina."

So why did I start doing this whole promotions thing?

Whenever I tell someone I'm one of the founders of a nightlife promotions and consulting company, I get one of two reactions: a holier-than-though scoffing type deal where they shake their head and I want to slap them directly in the face, or genuine interest and admiration.  Honestly, is what I do worthy of admiration?  I'm not sure.  But I know I love doing it, and I'm sure as hell good at it.  Yup, just complimented myself.

Here's the thing: I initially did this just to meet girls.  Believe it or not, my high school days weren't exactly littered with vagina and epic antics.  I went to a Catholic high school (Aquinas), and looked like this:

Yeah.  Check out that JV- esque haircut.  He pulls it off; I look like a fucking douchebag.  And my face looks like something you'd find at Mark's Pizzeria.  My ass looked great in those football pants though, just saying.  But long story short: I generally sucked.  Total virgin status here.

So when the opportunity arose several years ago to do some promotions work, I jumped at the chance.  This is my shot to be cool!  To bathe in women!  To drink like a champ and be respected!  Turns out when I started I was just a little promoter bitch.  Threw flyers around, promoted on Facebook; essentially a little lapdog.  But then I was entered into a promo contest at the old Scene club which I ended up winning, eventually landing me a paid gig where I had some control and respect.  This all eventually led to what I do now with NRO.

The weird thing now is that the meetings I go to with bar owners and potential sponsors almost resemble hardcore business meetings.  They're not flighty little things where we stroke each others dicks, have a couple drinks, and leave.  They're legit business meetings with legit business opportunities being discussed.  The advancement from "just doing this to get laid" to "doing this because I love it and because I'm helping to advance my business" has been pretty crazy.

So when people think or say that this whole promotions thing is about getting laid and looking cool, its really not.  I mean, it is but it isn't.  I'm definitely not gonna turn away a hot brunette with great legs and a nice smile.  But I'm also not gonna turn away meeting with the owner of a high end clothing company whose products have been in movies and TV.  I get boners for both things.  Enjoy that visual.  Hi mom.

Welcome to my Blog aka The Den of Douchebaggery

Well, here we go.

After many requests to do this, I've finally decided to start up a blog.  This will be your one stop shop for extended versions of what I put up on Facebook: essentially endless douchebaggery, offensive comments, and "I cant believe he just posted that" nonsense.  This will make you question why were friends.  Or make you love me a little bit more.  I don't know.  But lets try it.

Some of what I post here will be stories of what I've experienced in my years doing promotional work, with recent stuff being the escapades of us boys at NRO Entertainment.  But that's not all I'm going to be touching on.  My nerdy interests will also be on full display, including my unhealthy obsession with Batman.  Seriously, its odd.  I scare myself sometimes.  Especially this morning when I awoke and screamed "Alfred! Breakfast!"  He didn't come.  It was very sad.

So in a nutshell, if you're easily offended or don't particularly like me, then this place isn't for you.  Oh, and if thats the case: fuck you.

So yeah, I'll be swearing on here.  And maybe name dropping some people.  Haven't decided yet.  But prepare for some fuckicity nonetheless.  And yes that's an exclusive new word premiere right here on this blog.  Be excited.  And prepare for insanity.